Shinobi Life Online

Shinobi Life Online Category => Shinobi Life Online Character => Topic started by: BenzashiKun on August 15, 2017, 23:42:28

Title: g
Post by: BenzashiKun on August 15, 2017, 23:42:28
g
Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: Suroshi on August 16, 2017, 02:13:18
Welcome to SLO. Hope you enjoy the game.
Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: DarthTyrael on August 16, 2017, 09:17:41
Decent, though somewhat cliché superb student outclasses everyone story.

One thing I noticed and what made me rather sad - I'd prefer to see either a lookalike image from any other site instead of seeing someone literally using someone else's character appearance (https://www.shinobilifeonline.com/index.php/topic,1646.0.html).

Edit -
Unless you grabbed it from another site, which after posting this, seems more likely. (Heard the art was taken from different sites already, which I thought wasn't the case)
- end edit

Other than that, welcome to SLO.

Spoiler: show

*reading threw-> reading through
Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: BenzashiKun on August 16, 2017, 10:29:18
thanks,even tho everything here was pretty much on the go,im gonna take some time later and rewrite the story,almost completely,thanks,and about the img,i put it on imagr to get the link so..did not even know,ill change it dont worry,and i did not even know the other persons post excisted with the same character ;p

Edit: story has been rewriten
Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: Suroshi on August 16, 2017, 14:23:00
Also just throwing this outhere you can use a simple basic creator to design your OC's looks with...

https://hapuriainen.deviantart.com/art/Naruto-character-creator-128745915


I also create 3D OC images with the help of IMVU and a basic idea of people's OC.
here some examples of that if interested.

https://www.shinobilifeonline.com/index.php?topic=3433.msg58464#msg58464


^__^ Welcome to the game hope to see you in game soon.
Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: BenzashiKun on August 16, 2017, 14:36:08
hm...will do!Thanks man!But the : Create your own shinobi '' thing doesnt really look good to me...soz...
Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: Toratsume Nyshn on August 16, 2017, 15:51:37
Heya welcome to SLO.
It was a good character story, a bit overdone in some places and some possible errors (maybe)
Got some suggestions you can use to improvise the story

Quote from: BenzashiKun on August 15, 2017, 23:42:28
sun of the Tsukinami clans co leader,Kenotama.
*son

Quote from: BenzashiKun on August 15, 2017, 23:42:28
Benzashi DASHED to flare with sonic speed and Punched him in the face with all of his might.Automaticly,Benzashi won that round,
*Automatically.
Also, I'd like to know how he won the round automatically. Did he knock the opponent out? Did he kill him?
A punch at sonic speed could easily kill. Not only that, it could leave your hand in tatters (unless you use some kind of chakra enhancement/ protection)

Quote from: BenzashiKun on August 15, 2017, 23:42:28
Tarik was jelous of all the power Benzashi had so he stole a kage scroll,learning hidden tehniques such as the multi clone jutsu and the rasengan,even tho he cant do it well,so he challenged Benzashi to a fight.
It would be better if you re-word rasengan and chidori or any jutsu which is / could be possibly a copyright of Naruto. 

Quote from: BenzashiKun on August 15, 2017, 23:42:28
so he DASHED IN towards the water prison,but as soon as he hit the prison,Tarik turned into a log.IT WAS A CLONE!
Okay so log is a common object used in substituition jutsu. Shadow clones usually just vanish on being damaged.
What you have described won't be possible; unless the clone itself was using substituition.
And idk if clones can survive inside a water prison.

Quote from: BenzashiKun on August 15, 2017, 23:42:28
Benzashi fought Tarik with His water/thunder explosion shrunken in his hand,
*Shuriken?


It was good to read a char history. Especially since not many are popping up these days :3
Good luck and welcome (once again :P )

Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: BenzashiKun on August 16, 2017, 15:56:46
Oh,thanks for pointing those things out!I didnt have time to re-read it,the errors will be fixed as soon as i can !  :D
Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: DarthTyrael on August 16, 2017, 18:03:46
Quote from: BenzashiKun on August 16, 2017, 15:56:46
Oh,thanks for pointing those things out!I didnt have time to re-read it,the errors will be fixed as soon as i can !  :D

Leave it up to @Toratsume Nyshn to point everything out. Damn Nazi :P

There's no rush, take your time.

P.S.
Spoiler: show

If you want your character's name to be clickable on the forum, place this in your profile's Character Name slot:

[url=https://www.shinobilifeonline.com/index.php?topic=3460]Benzashi Tsukinami[/url]

___________

If you want some nice colors to it:

[b][glow=black,2,300][color=#<AnyHexColor>][url=https://www.shinobilifeonline.com/index.php?topic=3460]Benzashi Tsukinami[/url]

___________

Just use google for some hex colors and their respective codes.
Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: BenzashiKun on August 16, 2017, 21:20:09
Note taken c;
Title: Re: Benzashi Tsukinami
Post by: BenzashiKun on December 28, 2017, 13:23:19
Its been a while since i've came to the forums. I feel like a rewrite of the story is due,since i've gotten more ideas,and the Character Seems stale. Will be edited soon.