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Author Topic: Chapter 7 - Intruder  (Read 5759 times)

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Offline Fraudulent

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Chapter 7 - Intruder
« on: April 23, 2017, 16:57:26 »
Blood broke through Kimoto’s mouth once more as he tried rolling to one side.

The presence slowly jaunted towards him, stepping through the countless splints of wood.

“Well, boy, it appears your time has come… it was a pleasure meeting you.”

The half-dead youth clambered slightly before halting, his lifeless arms bent once more bringing his hands into a Tiger seal position.

His body began to glow with a short green aura - a shell of sand slowly emerged from his face, and steadily progressed in a downwards motion.

The suited man hovered above Kimoto and stared down with a blank face, but lacked hesitation and averted his attention in the opposite direction, glaring directly into the eyes of Buddha.

“Lord, please forgive me for my sins.” He requested with the same soft, calm voice he initiated with.

Kimoto’s shell of armour had almost completely covered him, but was interrupted when a cold hand glided through the air and locked onto his head from the scalp.

The ground felt lightweight once more as the young, inert body found itself briskly yanked by the force of a single arm.

Kimoto dangled like a beaten ragdoll with its eyes closed for a few moments before being carelessly launched towards the large, metal structure.

His body brutally whacked the centre of the deity, blemishing it with erratic splatters of blood and slid down to ground level where its deformed and shapeless appearance was evident.

A small amount of transparent liquid formed within the creases of his metal eyes. It built up and slowly slithered down his face.

Once again, God witnessed Darā’s sins.

Vizier and Nibui broke through the sun’s beams and paced up the wooden staircase of the Kage building.

“Wait here” The right hand of the Kage commanded.

The wooden door had a tiny gap between itself and the hinges, anyone could spy on the interior.

Vizier slid his fingers against the wood and quickly shifted inside before sealing the door shut.

The Kage’s workplace resembled a jungle more than it did an office; fresh weed plants of all shapes and sizes decorated the internal quarters.

Papers were scattered randomly and documents were buried under bongs and lighters.

The visitor released a sigh in disappointment and shook his head.

He hasn’t changed at all since the last time I came here.

Vizier straightened his vision towards the open balcony where Hayame was lounged peering the orange country. He was attended by a blunt which rested between his lips at a slight angle as usual.

He was still several meters away before the Kage identified his presence.

“Vizier, what brings you here?” a cloud of smoke drifted from his mouth, accompanied by his deep, elegant voice.

The gentle breeze of Hokorigakure blew the strings on his straw hat, sweeping his long, black hair along with it.

“Impressive, you managed to pinpoint me from that distance blinded” Vizier complimented Hayame in an attempt to get on his good side.

“Do not underestimate your leader, Vizier…”

“Now tell me, why exactly are you and your subordinate here?”

Vizier was shocked by how advanced the mind of his Kage was.

He can sense Nibui too?!

He almost stuttered, but somehow managed to quickly blurt out his issue.

“We’re here to report a missing ninja”

“Kimoto was last seen incarcerated by our special ops squad, Agirama, however I have asked around and every law enforcement in the Hidden Dust claim that he was never imprisoned” Vizier proclaimed in distress.

“So this is about the boy, huh?” Hayame confirmed.

He swung and brought the blunt back between his lips before strolling towards his desk.

Hayame trailed open a drawer and pulled out a fat book which held prison records.

 “Every incarceration within the Hidden Dust is recorded into this book.”

“If he was captured, we will find him here.” Hayame explained without switching his attention from the document.
He flicked through the pages in silence.

“The last imprisonment was a couple months ago, and the prisoner is a twenty-eight year old merchant who goes by the name of Shougo Hajime.”

What the fuck? Vizier’s eyes bulged out in panic.

“Then what about the Hidden Dust squad that captured him?!”

Hayame closed the book and chucked it back into the drawer, then proceeded to lean against his desk with crossed arms.

“Vizier, hate to break it to you, but Kimoto was kidnapped by someone… or something outside of Hokorigakure using the Agirama uniform as disguise.” The Kage announced, darkening Vizier’s mind with grief and confusion.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2017, 19:13:21 by Snoopy »


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Offline StriderOtaku

Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2017, 17:21:34 »
Ok, so the first part..I already said this before but the Dara character and Kimoto's torment is so well written it kinda reminds me of the ending episodes of tokyo ghoul's first season with Jason torturing the shit outta Kaneki. It's a bit sad what happened to Kimoto but I'm honestly itching to know more about Dara and I want a confrontation (Nibui and gang vs Dara) even more. Bring the bloodshed, kek.
As for the second part...
"The Kage’s workplace resembled a jungle more than it did an office; fresh weed plants of all shapes and sizes decorated the internal quarters.

Papers were scattered randomly and documents were buried under bongs and lighters."

Nuff said. Impressive work Snoopy (even more impressive how quickly you wrote this),I'll be waiting for more.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2017, 18:11:03 by StriderOtaku »
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Offline Toratsume Nyshn

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Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2017, 18:09:02 »
feelsbadman, I was hoping the blackbox would save kimoto... but then, this end seems more practical. A good read again.
Looking forward for a face off b/w blackboxand this buddha guy.

>.>
Wow I genuinely feel bad for kimoto :(
You just pulled off a GRRM.. gj




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Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2017, 19:26:59 »
Ok, so the first part..I already said this before but the Dara character and Kimoto's torment is so well written it kinda reminds me of the ending episodes of tokyo ghoul's first season with Jason torturing the shit outta Kaneki. It's a bit sad what happened to Kimoto but I'm honestly itching to know more about Dara and I want a confrontation (Nibui and gang vs Dara) even more. Bring the bloodshed, kek.
As for the second part...
"The Kage’s workplace resembled a jungle more than it did an office; fresh weed plants of all shapes and sizes decorated the internal quarters.

Papers were scattered randomly and documents were buried under bongs and lighters."

Nuff said. Impressive work Snoopy (even more impressive how quickly you wrote this),I'll be waiting for more.

Future confrontations will be interesting because I'm trying to branch out from the physics of the Narutoverse; I want to create a different universe that follows different physics which will bring new powers and mediums into my story. I believe this provides a wider range of opportunities when it comes to creativity, whereas if you stay by Narutoverse logic, you really are bound.

And yeah, Dara's backstory should be coming along soon. A lot of plot twists and psychological content should be on its way, needless to say, religion is also stepping up in the storyline.

feelsbadman, I was hoping the blackbox would save kimoto... but then, this end seems more practical. A good read again.
Looking forward for a face off b/w blackboxand this buddha guy.

>.>
Wow I genuinely feel bad for kimoto :(
You just pulled off a GRRM.. gj
Yeah, RIP Kimoto, haha.
A confrontation has been planned to occur at some point, probably after we've skinned Dara, his backstory and present intentions.
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Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2017, 23:51:18 »
Very well written chapter!

Feelsvregman for kimoto. Never 4get kimoto.


This was really good I'm saying it again! (dident spot any misstakes)

Waiting for more!

(yours truly)
Let the power of youth wash over you and fill you with strength!


-lethal dankness

Offline Manuster

Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2017, 02:44:08 »
noice noice writing

it;s just that u write so little fdkfevjenrvjenverv

youre just like america ffs, 2 scenes a chapter

hurry da dack up
RIP my old sig, got too annoying for even me

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Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #6 on: April 24, 2017, 22:07:53 »
Very well written chapter!

Feelsvregman for kimoto. Never 4get kimoto.


This was really good I'm saying it again! (dident spot any misstakes)

Waiting for more!

(yours truly)
More to come soon!

noice noice writing

it;s just that u write so little fdkfevjenrvjenverv

youre just like america ffs, 2 scenes a chapter

hurry da dack up
Each chapter tends to represent a select event(s) that occurs, and that's the way I like to write.


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Offline taigakun

Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #7 on: April 24, 2017, 22:26:07 »
Nice one once again Snopp. I like where this is going


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Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #8 on: April 24, 2017, 22:30:13 »
Nice one once again Snopp. I like where this is going
Thank you!
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Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2017, 14:55:46 »
i dont want to read it
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Offline IbrahimRafi

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Re: Chapter 7 - Intruder
« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2017, 21:13:47 »
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