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Author Topic: Chapter 9 - Zap!  (Read 6368 times)

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Offline Fraudulent

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Chapter 9 - Zap!
« on: May 02, 2017, 00:37:20 »
The plaza was awake and roaring with activity; much like the entire country following recent events, as Konohuro and Kazuki agitatedly ambled through the Hokorigakure marketplace. Vendors left, right and centre threw catchy phrases around in an attempt to draw attention to their fruits and vegetables, some of which were rotten.

“Hurry up, we need to get home before the sun takes a toll on us” Konohuro gripped tighter on the bags that occupied his fists.

“You know my short legs can’t keep up with yours… you titan!” Kazuki yelled after tripping up in the scorching-hot sand, his thumping, red face dripped with sweat as he looked up at the tall figure walking away further into the distance.

The younger quickly rose from the ground and hastily accelerated towards his senior, almost losing balance as his sandal got stuck in a squishy, soft and worm-infested pumpkin a few steps into his small run.

“You know what? Fuck it!” His young and mild voice yelled out as he grabbed his shoe, throwing it aimlessly behind him - only to be struck by the scream of a lady.

“My baby!!”

Kill me already...

Konohuro was already a hundred or so meters away from his partner, but the thought of their separation didn’t bother him in the slightest.

He slid the bag further up his left arm, and protruded his hand towards the leather bag on the other side. His fingers curled around the neck of a cold, glass bottle of Sake and dragged it out, releasing the cork just as quickly.

“Hopefully this will soothe the pain of having to carry this idiot around with me” his deep voice groaned with irritation as he began downing the bottle.

“What the---?!” his body shifted diagonally, dropping the bottle to the ground; its contents spilled across the dunes soon to be soaked up. A short, cloaked character had just bumped into him and continued walking off without a word.

Konohuro instantly sensed his presence and his temper skyrocketed, filling him with arrogance and fury just the same.
“Oh, that does it, kid!”

His bags flew to the ground as he began darting across the sandy path towards the strolling target.
He swung for the tool-kit attached to his belt, ready to bring out a weapon.

Do it… I dare you!
An unfamiliar voice broke through his mind – it hissed at him with evil and fear.

Konohuro was stiff in place, paralyzed, with his eye wide open in shock.

The stranger twisted his head, revealing a nasty smirk and cold, emerald irises.
The sun reflected dark skin on his hands, darker than the standard citizen - He was of African origin.

Konohuro quickly snapped out of the hypnosis and launched a pair of shuriken towards the boy, but was soon put under pressure as his offense was avoided by a backflip in his direction.

His agility is impressive

It was a game of cat and mouse as the figure began pouncing back and forth from tree to tree, dodging every single attack with ease and finesse.

“C’mon, surely you’ve got more than just that!” his low, hissy voice taunted the aggravated giant.

Konohuro closed his eye, disconnecting any visual senses. His hearing advanced, detecting every single movement within a 50 meter radius; the grinding of sand, individual conversations of others, and most importantly, he detected where the attacker was.

His hands adjusted into the Bird symbol and he focused chakra into his fists, ready to engage.
His eye fluttered open in an instant as he began waving his arms around in a circle like helicopter propellers.

Soon, the air molecules surrounding him twisted into small, sharp needles and pitched into every direction, hoping to catch something on their way.

What the fuck? This technique is designed to capture anything, even the fastest of targets

Konohuro had promptly realized that his ability had failed, and this threw him in an awkward position. He felt cornered, weak and powerless, now that one of his strongest skills had proven useless against an unknown presence.
His eye scampered around him with panic as light steps patterned the ground nearby.

“Peekaboo!” the voice surfaced once again, this time it split the air behind him.
The boy was upside down with an open mouth – legs struck straight and his cloak waved into the wind.

How did I not sense this?!

He reached inside and exported two long, black rods with round edges, one in each hand, before launching them directly at the alarmed man.

“Shit!” Konohuro cried out as the bars ripped through the flesh of his hands, nailing him in place against the dry land.

The predator spun into the air once more, landing each foot on a bar directly above his victim, and nimbly threw around hand seals of the lightning nature.

“Aaaand now, for my final act!” he announced with pride and clenched the top of the bars – his grin was void of remorse. High voltage swarmed through the metal poles and into the crippled prey, causing his entire body to shake and slowly burn.

“Aaaaargh” Konohuro’s agonizing cries began to draw faint as he was truly helpless this time.

“What’s happening?!” Kazuki yelled out after finally catching up to his subordinate, terror was clearly portrayed on his face.
He threw a kunai knife with two shuriken close on its trail, only to be deflected by an invisible shield around the scene.

Every citizen nearby had already evacuated the area that was quickly morphing into a murder scene. Hope began depleting.

“Out of all the nations, you choose to terrorise the people of Hokorigakure… Hyōban” the deep, dry projection of Hayame’s voice came to existence.



« Last Edit: May 02, 2017, 17:14:27 by Snoopy »


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Offline Rapho

Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2017, 01:22:32 »
Good job Snoopy, I can always count on you to deliver a good read :P


There are some things that I'd like to point out though:
He slid the bag further up his left arm, and protruded his hand towards the plastic bag on the other side.
If your story and/or SLO take place in a universe that's technology-wise just like the one in Naruto, then I don't think that there would be any plastic bags.

- He was of African origin.
Considering the story's theme, it feels out of place to see it phrased like that.

It was a game of cat and mouse as the figure began pouncing back and forth from tree to tree, dodging every single attack with ease and finesse.
I'm not sure if Hokorigakure will have any/enough trees to do that.


I'm sorry if it felt like I was nitpicking, but I just wanted to point out the things that seemed odd to me.
Good luck on your next chapter, I'm looking forward to reading it :)


Offline Fraudulent

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Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2017, 01:40:25 »
Good job Snoopy, I can always count on you to deliver a good read :P


There are some things that I'd like to point out though:
He slid the bag further up his left arm, and protruded his hand towards the plastic bag on the other side.
If your story and/or SLO take place in a universe that's technology-wise just like the one in Naruto, then I don't think that there would be any plastic bags.

- He was of African origin.
Considering the story's theme, it feels out of place to see it phrased like that.

It was a game of cat and mouse as the figure began pouncing back and forth from tree to tree, dodging every single attack with ease and finesse.
I'm not sure if Hokorigakure will have any/enough trees to do that.


I'm sorry if it felt like I was nitpicking, but I just wanted to point out the things that seemed odd to me.
Good luck on your next chapter, I'm looking forward to reading it :)


Although my story is a little more advanced than the Narutoverse, it would not have reached plastic bags. Bear in mind I wrote this at like 1 am and my mind is not functioning properly, haha. My bad, it's edited now.

I mean I've pictured a dust village to have at least some grassland with a decent amount of trees..? My perception at-least.

Not sure how else to describe a black guy lool.

Thanks for the feedback :)
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Offline StriderOtaku

Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2017, 02:23:05 »
Eh-Rapho pretty much said everything I was going to. Using African sort of threw me off the most. All in all, it was a great read nonetheless. I loved the fight of course and that one-line-ish entrance by Hayame at the end, neat cliffhanger. Good job, as always. Next chapter!
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Offline DarthTyrael

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Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2017, 07:57:53 »
Thinking that Dust would most likely be placed around/near an oasis, trees would be viable.

Great scene you put here, looking forward to the next one.




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Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2017, 09:22:00 »

Not sure how else to describe a black guy lool.
Dark skin/ darker complexion although it ain't gonna efficiently describe an african origin person, but yeah I guess it might do the work :)


Good read again, new characters gave a refreshing touch and Dankage appeared!
Ch10 Hype!

aaaand this kek :3

… you titan!”






Offline IbrahimRafi

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Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2017, 17:15:09 »
Damn snoop, this was tense af towards the end lmao. Bring out chapter 10 faster you hoe.
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Offline Fraudulent

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Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #7 on: May 02, 2017, 17:33:33 »
Eh-Rapho pretty much said everything I was going to. Using African sort of threw me off the most. All in all, it was a great read nonetheless. I loved the fight of course and that one-line-ish entrance by Hayame at the end, neat cliffhanger. Good job, as always. Next chapter!
I have taken Rapho's suggestions into consideration and have altered some things. Thank you :) The fight was a little weird for me to write, and I'm glad Hayame's entrance was a decent cliffhanger.

Thinking that Dust would most likely be placed around/near an oasis, trees would be viable.

Great scene you put here, looking forward to the next one.
Glad you liked it, man :)


Not sure how else to describe a black guy lool.
Dark skin/ darker complexion although it ain't gonna efficiently describe an african origin person, but yeah I guess it might do the work :)


Good read again, new characters gave a refreshing touch and Dankage appeared!
Ch10 Hype!

aaaand this kek :3

… you titan!”



On my way!

Damn snoop, this was tense af towards the end lmao. Bring out chapter 10 faster you hoe.
My laziness beats all schedules and plans. >:(


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Offline Manuster

Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #8 on: May 02, 2017, 20:02:06 »

Not sure how else to describe a black guy lool.


Saaaame.

But otherwise this was good, liked the fighting scene.

props to sticking to the forum law: No matter whichever form of media he appears in, Shivraj must always be a lil bitch

amurica did it
mars did it
im..doing it?
you did it

amen.
RIP my old sig, got too annoying for even me

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Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2017, 11:31:02 »

Not sure how else to describe a black guy lool.


Saaaame.

But otherwise this was good, liked the fighting scene.

props to sticking to the forum law: No matter whichever form of media he appears in, Shivraj must always be a lil bitch

amurica did it
mars did it
im..doing it?
you did it

amen.
I am honored you think such a rule exists, because you can only show me to be a little bitch via your wild LSD induced imaginations <3



waiting for chapter 10 :3
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Offline Fraudulent

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Re: Chapter 9 - Zap!
« Reply #10 on: May 04, 2017, 23:14:58 »

Not sure how else to describe a black guy lool.


Saaaame.

But otherwise this was good, liked the fighting scene.

props to sticking to the forum law: No matter whichever form of media he appears in, Shivraj must always be a lil bitch

amurica did it
mars did it
im..doing it?
you did it

amen.
Thank you, and yeah, I never really thought about it until you mentioned his portrayal in media. I guess he just gives off those vibes, which influenced the way I created his character.


waiting for chapter 10 :3
Probably over the weekend. Friday evening the earliest.
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