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Author Topic: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]  (Read 6466 times)

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Offline Leebz

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Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« on: December 17, 2014, 19:26:40 »
Chapter 1: It Begins..

"Look out! The enemy approaches!" Shouted the commander as the little village became under attack by ninja of a greater village.
"How could this happen?" Hugi Himitsu thought to himself, current head of the Himitsu clan. The village became overwhelmed around him as his comrades died in front of his very eyes.
"Is this reality? Am I dreaming this?" Hugi saw an enemy sprint towards him with a kunai, he narrowly dodged it, coming out of the attack with a scratch to the cheek from the blade.
"Fuck!!" Hugi yelled.
"This is definitely not a dream.." He said to himself, holding his bleeding cheek.
"Quick sir! We need to flee right away! The village is lost!" Shouted Hugis right-hand man Borro. Hugi turned to him quickly seeing the secret tunnel leading out the village with the remaining Himitsu lining to go inside quickly. Hugi hesitated, looking at the other clans men fighting for the village.
"It's ok sir! This is orders from higher ups! They want the legacy of our clan to live on now hurry!"
Hugi quickly responded to his right hand man and went into the tunnel, following his fellow clan members. His heart raced at what was happening.
"It all happened so fast, how could this happen to the village?" Hugi thought to himself once more, still not believing the loss of their village.

They exit the end of the tunnel to find 3 ninja waiting for them. A grin took their faces to discover the head of the family at their disposal.
"Well, well, well.. we will definitely make it into the Kages good books if we take this fellas clan out" Said one of the ninja.
Borros face became one of anger and rage.
"The day that happens is the day I die!!!" Borro shouted as he charged at one of the ninja recklessly.
"Borro! Wait! We don't know their abilities yet! Nor their weaknesses!" Hugi said with a beckoning voice for his right hand to return from his attack. He watches as Borro becomes captured. Hugi draws a kunai and takes a step forward.
"Hold it or his head gets taken off his shoulders!" The ninja holding Borro spat as he spoke.
"You don't know us but we know you and your capabilities." laughed the second ninja.
"Yeah, so why don't you sit tight as we decide what to do." said the third ninja calmly.
Borro looked at Hugi as to say 'just do it' but Hugi knew he couldn't do that, not to Borro of all people. They were like brothers growing up, sharing laughs and training together. He wasn't about to sell his best friend short like that, not after all he has done for him.
"Fine.. We will make a deal.. My life for the clans." Hugi bargained with the three.
They all looked at each other wondering if he was serious or not and if it would satisfy their kage.
In the shared looks Borro grabbed the ninjas arm which was holding the kunai and broke it with a swift move and grabbed the kunai from him jumping back to his clan.
"Now unless you want to feel the full force of the Himitsu and believe me, you don't, then I suggest you turn around and walk away." Borro demanded the three. They looked around in agreement and scattered away realizing they was out matched.

Borro sighed a sigh of relief and looked at Hugi.
"Hugi you know you should of attacked as soon as I became captive. Your life is not one to bargain with" Borro said with a strict and serious tone.
"But.." Hugi argued
"No buts! You are the head of the family and your life is important! Mine is to throw away at the drop of a hat if any danger befalls you!" Borro argued back and turned to lead the Himitsu away to safety
"Now come on.. We need to get out of here. We must not let those fighting for our get away to be for nothing."
The Himitsu started the long journey into the forest and out of sight of the enemies.


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Re: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2014, 19:27:32 »
Chapter 2: Lost

As the Himitsu walk on, Borro notices the clan growing tiresome and weak. He knew a rest was required if they was to continue.
"We will stop here for the night, let the strong work on camp and the weak watch over the children."
The clan got to work on their orders. Hugi sat on a near by log and kept watch over them in case of an attack as he heard a soft voice come from behind.
"Is everything ok?"
He turned his head to see his wife standing behind him. He gave a quick nod and looked back at the clan hard at work setting up camp.
"May I sit here?" she said as she sat next to her husband without a reply. He sat there motionless and stern.
"You did the right thing you know? No matter what Borro says, you did what was right to try protect the ones you love and that's the man I fell in love with." She smiled as Hugi took a long deep breath.
"What if he is right? What if I just gave up too easily and left the clan in danger? I didn't know if those ninja would of kept their word and freed Borro.. What I did was a mistake."
His wife's smile soon turned into a small frown and she kissed his cheek
"Everything worked out in the end either way so lets move on."
Hugi nodded "Yes. Thank you, Hotaru."

The camp was set up and the clan retired for the night, taking shifts every hour to keep watch for bandits.
The next day came and the camp was silent. Hugi woke up and left his tent to see breakfast was being made for everyone.
"Morning" the clan said to their leader. Hugi nodded in appreciation and returned the welcome.
He watched as the next generation play, chasing each other with sticks as swords and laughing. Borro handed him a bowl of casserole made by the clan.
"We should leave after breakfast. Eat up." Borro smiled at him. That's weird.. Borro hadn't smiled through this whole trip. So why now? Does he have a plan for us?

The clan all finished eating and packed up the camp to set out.
"We're moving out! Let's go!" Borro yelled for all the clan to hear and they got moving.
They traveled for hours, following Borros way.
A rustle came from the bushes and out came a few bandits.
The clan stopped in their tracks and the biggest bandit started to speak.
"Give us your shit and we will be on our way! Come on now, no one needs to get hurt!"
He slammed his hammer to the ground causing the earth around them to turn into rubble.
"Earth style.." Borro mumbled under his breath realizing this fight was not going to be an easy one.
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Re: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2014, 19:28:43 »
Chapter 3: Face in the dirt

The ninja stand face to face. A few Himitsu stand up front ready to fight alongside Hugi and Borro.
"We have nothing of value to give to the likes of you" Borro says calmly knowing their power is very real
"See I want to believe you but I just can't seem to ignore them bags you all carry" The big hammer ninja states
"Let me introduce myself. They call me Volcano"
Hugis eyes widen realizing this man is in the bingo book of nearly every village. There is no way they could handle this guy with the little trained clansmen  they have. Just as Hugi was about to attack a rustle came from the trees and a single leaf begins to fall gently from a branch.
"What's going on?!" Volcano blurts out to his men.

Hugi looks down from the leaf to see half of Volcanoes men lay beaten on the floor. A man jumps down with a strange symbol on his back that Hugi doesn't recognize
"I'll be taking over from here.." The man turned to look at Hugi and his men
"I take real 'pride' in taking down people with such a bounty on their heads" the man grins and moves his hands quickly causing a thick black cloud to hover above Volcanoes head. Just as Volcano is about to move the man quickly weaves more signs turning the ground around Volcano into fire, leaving him nowhere to go.

The look on Volcanoes face was one of panic and fear, a quick look up and a bolt of lighting strikes him down, leaving him unconscious.
"Too easy.. My skills are unmatched" The man puts the flames out and walks over collecting Volcanoes body.
"W-who are you?" Hugi mutters shocked at what he witnessed as the leaf he saw earlier just hits the ground. This man was so quick with his attacks and planned them out perfectly.
"You can call me Pride. But don't take this as a favor to you. I did this for the money on his head. Your lives mean nothing to me" and with a blink of an eye Pride vanished leaving the remaining bandits dead on the floor.
Borro put his hand on Hugis shoulder "We need to keep moving"
Hugi stared blankly at the road ahead and nodded. They began the journey again.

Hugi could hear whispers among the men about this Pride guy and his power. He couldn't blame them, even he was left stunned at the sight of his raw power.
"Borro, you know who that guy Volcano was right?" Hugi asked with slight hesitation.
Borro nodded "Yes. He was an S rank criminal, in the bingo books of nearly every village and not to mention had that hammer he stole from his village elders"
"But this Pride guy.." Hugi hesitated more this time.
".. He took him out without breaking a sweat."
Borro stayed quiet, also still baffled by the power they all witnessed but gave no reply. Hugi said no more of the matter and walked alongside his right hand man.
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Re: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2014, 19:29:54 »
Chapter 4: Where there is smoke there is fire

"Why is it so damn hot?!" a clansmen, Kurai, blurts from the crowd of Himitsu
"We are nearing Haigakure, The village hidden in ash." Borro answered whilst moving forward
"Why are we all the way out here?! This is crazy!" Kurai continued
"Will you quit your bitching Kurai seriously." Borro snapped at him
Kurai quieted down but kept mumbling under his breath. He wasn't a very strong man or a very smart one but damn that guy never quits which gives him a lot of potential.

The Himitsu arrive at the gate of the village and a man greets them.
"Hello, we are a travelling clan looking for refuge. By any chance do you think we could have a meeting with the Kage of this village?" Hugi asked on behalf of his clan.
The man thought for a moment and gave his reply "I can see what I can do but the Kage is a very busy man. Might I interest you in a hotel whilst we sort out this request?"
Hugi nodded and the man led them to a hotel with a hot springs next door.
"Here you are. I will work on your request right away"
Hugi nodded once more as the man left them to settle in
"Real beds at last! Everyone take rest here until we receive word from our new friend" Borro states to the clan whilst taking a seat.

Hugi took a look at the hot springs next door and decided a dip would do him good.
He hops into the warm water and thinks what the Kage might say about their request. Could they trust this village? Will they give them the refuge they needed? There was so many questions yet no answers.

Kurai headed into the village looking for a dumpling shop with his two friends Azami and Chiyo.
"How hard is it to find some dumplings in this place?!" Kurai complains
"Oh pipe down will you, we're homeless and you're thinking of dumplings?! So typical.." Azami teased Kurai
Chiyo sighs and smiles "Y'kno you two argue like a married couple, whens the wedding?"
Both Kurai and Azami rage at Chiyo for her supposedly wrong statement.

"Hey? Is that the guy who showed us to our rooms?" Chiyo takes the attention off herself and the two turn to see the man in a small restaurant.
"I think you're right and that guy opposite him is the Kage" Kurai points out to the others
"Let's go in, we might as well, considering we came out to eat after all" Azami states whilst walking into the restaurant.
The others follow inside and take a seat near the Kage to listen in.

"I'm not sure if this clan can be trusted at all..." The Kage says with a  bitter tone
"But they do have a reputation for power. Maybe we could kill them before letting them out of our village. Dismantle the sword before it can strike" the Kage continues.
The man who showed kindness laughed in agreement "I will send some ANBU to their rooms tonight and then we will clean up the mess"
The man gave an evil looking grin and continued "It will be a blood bath, an offering to the great land that protects us in ash"

The three had a look of shock, they needed to return to the clan and warn Hugi of this coo before it was too late.
They got up and left the restaurant quickly with their order just being placed.
"We need to hurry back!" Azami spoke whilst panting from her speed
"Agreed, no talking, no delay." Chiyo stated saving her breath to run faster.
Kurai became out of breath quickly "Go on without me.. This is too much."
Chiyo turned back and carried him over her shoulder "You're so weak, it makes me cry every time."
« Last Edit: January 05, 2015, 19:10:34 by Leebz »
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Re: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2014, 19:31:25 »
Chapter 5: Coo for a coo

Kurai and the others make it back to their hotel room but find all of their clan slaughtered before them.
Hugis body led motionless on the floor with Borros. The other clans bodies lay scattered across the floor.
"WHAT?! HOW ARE WE LATE?!" Kurai yells in shock and fear.
"How can this happen?!" Azami says following up Kurais cries.
A sword rams through the two of them and they start to bleed out.
Chiyo stands calmly before them and takes a deep breath. "Release.."
The others look at her realizing they was caught in a genjutsu and was back at the restaurant.
A laugh comes from the shadows "I'm impressed. One of you has a very keen eye indeed. That genjutsu was meant to melt your small brains yet one of you saw through it.. Bravo. But did you really think I wouldn't recognize you in the restaurant?"
Chiyo looks emotionless at the man "It was a cheap trick indeed but you'd have to wake up early to pull one over me. I hope you're ready for a world of pain"
Kurai and Azami look surprised and turn their attention to the man "You'll pay for that!" Kurai shouts at the man.

The man laughs "Let me introduce myself. I am the Kages right hand, Uzame" he gives a quick grin.
"and if you haven't guessed, I am a master with genjutsu!" Uzame continues.
A kunai touches his back "You talk too much.." Chiyo says with a calm tone..
Uzame looks shocked as he sees what he thought to be Chiyo go into a puff of smoke "A clone?! And you call my move a cheap trick!"
Kurai yells "That's it Chiyo! You show him!" as if he knew the plan all along
Chiyo sighs and rolls her eyes at Kurais over excitement. She keeps her attention on Uzame "You're going to tell us all you know about the coo against the Himitsu"
Uzame laughs an evil laugh "I'd rather die.." Chiyo notices a paper bomb on his back
"Get back!" She yells at her friends whilst jumping away.
The others quickly follow her swift movements as Uzame blows himself up carelessly.

"Too close.." Azami says looking at the smoke left from the explosion.
"Agreed, but now we need to move twice as fast to try get back to the clan." Chiyo says quickly starting to run off in the direction of the hotel.
"Wait up! I'm exhausted from the fight!" Kurai yells whilst jogging after the two.
"Fuck sake Kurai really?! You did nothing!" Azami yells looking back at her pitiful friend.
Chiyo sighs and grabs him by the collar dragging him along "Seriously.. Cry.. Every.. Time."

They reach the hotel and find the clan all alright.
"Where is Hugi?" Chiyo asks one of the clansmen.
The clansmen points to the hot springs next door where Hugi was relaxing.
"Ill go explain everything to him." Kurai says as he walks into the hot springs to find their head of the family.

"What?!" Hugi says after getting dry and into some fresh clothes.
"Yes sir. Me, Azami and Chiyo over heard it all and tussled with the guy who showed us here."
Hugi grits his teeth and replies "We need to think. We haven't got much time. Tell Borro to ready the men. When they strike we will not be sat around relaxed. We will ambush them."
They walk into the main room where Chiyo explained it all to Borro. Hugi tells the plan to Borro and he agrees.

Night falls and the clan lay in wait for the village ninja to try attack them.
All is silent and dark, only the cold wind blows through the air.
The children are taken out of the village by a few members of the Himitsu as the others stay to fight.
The doors of the hotel get kicked in and a few ANBU barge inside with their katanas ready. They look around confused to find no one there.
Hugi gives the signal and Borro jumps from the ceiling with a few Himitsu and attack the ANBU.
"Now! Lets go!" One man shouts out as he attacks.
The fight becomes intense as kunai flies through the air but in the end the Himitsu come out of it barely scratched.

"We have out stayed our welcome. We need to move now. The Kage will soon get word of this
A slight noise comes from one of the ANBU and Borro notices a paper bomb
"Everyone out! The place is about to blow!" Borro yells to the clan and everyone moves out as the hotel blows sky high.
The village becomes on high alert and the Himitsu sprint for the gates just managing to get away into the forest.
"Damn it! Why did this happen! We need allies not enemies!" Hugi yells punching a tree.
"It couldn't be helped.. We will just have to make it to the next village" Borro says with a slight temper.
The clan  move on in sorrow and anger to the betrayal of the village they was so quick to call home. Travelling once more.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2015, 19:18:17 by Leebz »
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Re: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2014, 19:32:27 »
Chapter 6: Fork in the road of choices

It's been about a week since the Himitsu had trouble in the village that betrayed them. They was losing the sight of hope and running low on supplies in this dark night sky.
"Boss, not to be a whiner or nothing but when is the next lunch break?" Kurai complains
"Soon.." Hugi says gritting his teeth from the lie he just said. He knows more than anyone the supplies are low after giving up his meal to divide amongst the younger members secretly.
Borro tells everyone to freeze as he sees a bandits camp up ahead. He could tell they was bandits by the thick stench in the air, a stench only bandits would carry.

Borro takes Hugi aside to tell him his idea.
"What?!" Hugi says shocked at Borros suggestion.
"You want us to thieve from bandits?!" Hugi continued.
"Well do you have a better idea?.." Borro replied with a much calmer tone, knowing it was the only way. Hugi looked down at himself disappointed that he has let it come to this.
"Kurai, Azami, Chiyo. At attention.." Borro commanded the three. They wonder over ready for their orders.
"..The camps supplies are dropping hard and the bandits ahead have some supplies that can help. I need you three to be ready to support me in the attack"
The three looked puzzled "But why?" Azami asked looking at the sorrow on Borros face
"Because if we don't the clan will suffer. You three showed some promise back in the village hidden in ash. You also make a fine squad of ninja." Borro replied in a very serious tone.
Kurai couldn't help but bulk out his chest with the compliment "I'm ready when these two are, sir"
Azami and Chiyo look at each other and shake their heads in pity to Kurai "We're in." Chiyo says vouching for Azami

The three hide in a near by bush out of sight waiting for the signal from Borro and Hugi.
"Things must be serious.." Chiyo whispers to the other two.
"What makes you say that?" Kurai says nearly shouting back only being stopped by Azami and Chiyo covering his mouth
"Because we wouldn't be doing this if they wasn't, dumb ass." Azami whispered whilst stopping Yaron.
The signal is given by Borro and the attack begins. The attack was so quick the bandits didn't even see it coming.
They looted their supplies, apologizing to one that was still conscious.
The Himitsu moved on quickly through the night, carrying whatever they could, shamefully and regrettably.

"We shouldn't have done that.." Hugi mumbles to Borro as the camp was set and lunch was prepared.
"We have to do what we can to survive in this harsh world, Hugi" Borro replies with a mouth full of bread.
"We have never been so low class to do this though. This is beneath us.." Hugi continues to mumble.
Borro looks down and sighs "Hugi, I have a confession.."
Hugi looks at Borro with a serious look "Go on?"
"Back when our home village was raided.. The higher ups didn't tell us to flee.. I told you that so I could keep you and the family safe." Borro says with a look of sorrow.
Hugis face became one of rage and gave a quick punch to Borros face causing a scene in front of the others
"You let our friends, our comrades DIE back there! We could of helped!" Hugi yelled in anger at his best friend.
Borro spat some blood as he got up on his feet "If we stayed we would of died.. This was the only way.."
Hugis breath becomes larger, hearing his heart beat faster and his fists shake "I don't want to hear it!"
"Hugi.." A soft voice comes from his side.
Hugi turns to see his wife with tears in her eyes "..Please calm down."
Hugi takes a deep breath and goes into his tent leaving his friend to watch over the clan.
His wife apologizes on Hugis behalf and turns in too.
Borro sighed  and sat on a small rock questioning his own loyalty to his friends and the actions he took.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2015, 19:27:15 by Leebz »
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Re: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2014, 19:34:03 »
Chapter 7: Loyalty

The next day came around quickly and Hugi opened his eyes still remembering last nights conversation with Borro. Was he out of line to yell at him? Could Borro be trusted now?
"Good morning." His wife said smiling at him
Hugi sighs "Good morning, Hotaru."
"Still thinking about what Borro told you?" Hotaru asks with a sound of sorrow in her voice
Hugi got up without replying and got dressed for the new day befalling the clan.

Borro and Hugi caught each others attention but no words was spoken. The two went on without sharing a word, packing up the camp.
"This is so tense" Kurai whispers to Chiyo
"Mhmm." Chiyo replies not really paying attention to her friend
"Whats up with you?" Kurai questions her answer.
"Oh, nothing. don't worry." She gets back to helping pack.
Chiyo was thinking back to the day the attack happened on their home village. How so many died and so many homes was destroyed and how she wanted to help but got dragged away by her parents, she hated them. They was cowards. Only looking out for themselves and no one else. She could feel the pain Hugi felt about being dragged away by false orders. She never wants to be like her parents. No. She wanted to be as different from them as possible.

"Let's move!!" Borro yells to everyone breaking Chiyos thoughts of the past.
The clan began to journey onward once more coming close to the next village they'd plead for help from.
Hugi hated begging for help like a poor man. He thought it was belittling to beg for anything. He didn't even appreciate it when it was done towards him, so it could only be imagined what it must feel like for him to do it to others.

"We're here." Borro says calmly.
Azami looks up at the volcano "Inferunogakure?!"
Kurai looks in disappointment "Another hot village.."
They began to climb up to the village gates
Kurai complained once more "Oh yeah, that's great! Climb a piping hot volcano!"
"Stop bitching." Chiyo says calmly

The clan reach the top and await to be greeted.
"Outsiders are not welcome.. Believe me." a voice comes from the shadows
Hugi gritted his teeth wondering if it was friend or foe
"The names Hao.. Or it was." The figure emerges
"We're here to seek refuge." Hugi replies.
"Sure you are.. Let me show you around." Hao spins around to lead the Himitsu around the village
Hugi glances at the symbol on the back of his coat.. One that was familiar to him but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2015, 19:38:43 by Leebz »
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Re: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2014, 19:36:12 »
Chapter 8: This, That, BOOM

"So, refuge hmm?" Hao asks Borro.
Borro nods in reply to the man as he shows them around the village.
"Mind me asking what happened to your home village?" Hao continues to ask more questions whilst looking around at his home village.
"It became under attack by one of the great villages.. We are the only surviving clan" Borro says remembering back to how Hugi reacted to the news of his traitorous ways.
"Ahh yes, that doesn't surprise me at all.. All Kage are hungry for power and war.. All of them..." Hao says with a serious tone, one as if he hated all Kage, including his own. This made Borro slightly suspicious to Hao.
Hao laughed loudly, realizing how he was coming off "But of course, this villages Kage is the best! Oh yes!"

The clan reach the doors to the Kages house and Hao has a grin on his face "Well guys it's been fun. I hope we meet again, I really do, and believe me when I say the Kage here is praised.. For his actions in war of course." Hao dashes off quickly.
"Oh fuck.." Hugi mumbles, remembering the symbol on the back of his coat.
The Kages building blew up in front of their eyes and village ninja rushed to the scene finding the Himitsu unwelcome into the village
"Protect the Kage!" The ninja rushed towards the Himitsu, accusing them of the explosion.
"Everyone, run now! Fight to wound, do not kill any of these ninja!" Borro says leading the way out of the village, being attacked from all angles.
The Himitsu became surrounded by ninja, with no way out. They was trapped in the village.

24 hours passed and the Himitsu was in a jail cell. The Kage comes down to the prison cell to see them.
"So these lot are the attackers?" The Kage asks the guard
"Yes, sir. They was the unfamiliar clan that attacked your office whilst you was out checking the academies work." The guard explains to the Kage.
He looks at the Himitsu sternly for a few seconds "They was not behind this attack.."
Hugi looked at him in shock. Did he really just hear him correctly? But there was so much evidence against them. How could he be so sure?
"They wouldn't attack in so many numbers for an explosion.. No.. these lot was set up by Prise without a doubt"
Prise? Who was Prise? Hugi thought to himself.
"You mean Hao, sir?! I thought he was dead?!" the guard said in a shocked tone of voice.
The Kage laughed and shook his head "That guy doesn't just roll over and die, no, he got away from the hidden hill ANBU and joined a different organisation"
"So are we free to go? Better yet we'd love to talk to you under different circumstances, lord Kage" Borro said calmly
The Kage nodded and asked them to follow him to his new office to which Hugi and Borro did.

The Kage laughed "YOU want refuge HERE?!" he continued to laugh
Borro had a face of anger to which Hugi noticed. Hugi decided to speak before Borro blew his lid. "Why is this so funny to you?"
"It's funny because this village now hates you. You have no trust within the people of this village, so why should I trust you? That would just look bad on me. No. You will be escorted out of the village immediately." The Kage stated.
"Very well." Borro said with a bitter tone in his voice as he walked out of the Kages office to meet up with the Himitsu waiting outside
"Thanks for your time, sir" Hugi bowed to the Kage and followed after Borro.

"So that's that?!" Kurai said pissed off that the Kage turned them down over a problem that wasn't theirs.
"We will find a new home soon. Be patient Kurai." Borro said nudging him gently.
The Himitsu was escorted out of the village as promised and sent on their way, once again being turned down.
Hugi felt hopeless.. Why did Hao use them as cover like that if he was known by the village? Was it because of what he said about Kage? Did he want us to be thrown out on purpose? Who knows.. It didn't matter now. They needed to find a place to set up camp for the night as the sun was setting before them.

Camp got started on by the clansmen in a near by forest, out of sight from the road to avoid conflict.
"Chiyo can I talk to you?" Kurai asked, sitting next to her.
"Sure Doofus, whats up?" Chiyo said joking with her comrade.
"I want you to train me.. Please." Kurai asked with a sound of seriousness for once.
"Train you?" Chiyo said confused "But why?"
"Because you're the strongest person in this clan by far.. It's obvious and I'm the weak one.. The dumb ass everyone has to save" Kurai explains.
"I want to get strong and be the hero of the clan, like you are. I want to be on your level, so please. Will you?" He continued to explain now sounding on the verge of begging.
Chiyo stood up and smiled "Come on then dumb ass, lets get started." Chiyo said whilst heading away from camp a little, to be sure they would not get in the way.
Kurai followed after her, pumped for the training he was about to take on.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2015, 19:52:11 by Leebz »
  • Character Name: Onimaro Nakai

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Re: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« Reply #8 on: January 13, 2015, 13:08:58 »
There are plenty of grammatical errors, ranging from lack of commas to sentences that just don't sense.
There are quite a few situations where your tenses don't agree. Stick to one tense, past or present. It starts in past tense, then, somewhere a few chapters in, it switches to present.
Also, the detail is lacking. We don't know anything about the characters, and the environment is very vague.
Going along with the detail thought, the battle scenes are difficult to follow and don't make much sense. In reality, it isn't actually a battle, just the beginning where they talk shit to each other, then the losing party on the ground.
I don't understand why the Kage would have any problem with another clan in his village, especially since they can fight and work for him.
Profanity, +rep
I believe the word you are looking for is 'coup', not 'coo'.
Exact same jutsu Itachi used on Deidara.

Work on some of these things, and maybe write a new story, or reboot this one.
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Re: Himitsu Legacy [Discontinued]
« Reply #9 on: January 13, 2015, 13:16:53 »
Thanks America. I have started a new story but it's irrelevent to SLO. Thanks for reviewing this, it means a lot :P
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