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Messages - Itzal

Pages: [1] 2
1
Naruto Fanworks / Re: Story
« on: February 08, 2015, 18:39:43 »
Sorry guys haven't been online for a while. Anyway heres part 2 and i hope you enjoy it.Please make suggestions about what will happen next. Also if there is any mixtakes please tell me.

Chapter 1 part 2:

He had been cocky and now instead of his enemy he was about to fall of f the cliff. Higashi quickly twirled in the air to straighten himself before throwing a kunai to the edge of the cliff. The rope connected to the kunai pulled Higashi towards the wall. Higashi then grabbed on to a rock and waited. The was movement at the top of the cliff. Higashi glance up to see two kunai heading for him. Higashi took out a second kunai and blocked them. The two kunai flew away as Higashi waited for anymore. ” Only five more kunai, I need to wrap this up fast.”

Higashi put all his strength into his arms and swung himself up in the air. The man watched as Higashi flew past him up in the air. Quickly, the man jumped after Higashi. But Higashi had anticipated that and with a flew hand signs blew a burning ball of fire out of his mouth. The mans eyes widened as he realised his defeat. He pulled his arms up to defend himself but it was useless. BOOM!

There was a loud explosion and the man flew hard into the ground. Higashi landed on a tree. He turned away and ran not waiting to see if his opponent was out.



Higashi had run for an hour and was now exhausted. He bent down trying to take in as much air as possible. He had made it to a small village. Higashi looked up to see only a handful of people around. There was a little shop to The right of the village a farm and a few houses. Except for that the village was empty. Higashi straightened and then headed towards the shop. Hopefully they have something for me to eat. Higashi ripped part of his sleeve and then rapped it around his face. He opened the door to hear a loud bell. The room was empty. The shop was half a restaurant and half a store. Higashi sat down on one of the restaurant seats.

“Hello.” Higashi jumped and quickly turned to see a man smiling at him. His hands were covered in grease and his belly popped over his waist. The mans smiled seemed to widen as he saw Higashi’s jump.

“Am sorry to have startled you but what would you like? Oh and please take of the mask.” The mans voice was deep and scratchy. Higashi pulled his mask down slightly reviling his face.

“Its cold so I would like to wear it and I would like some ramen please.” Higashi said. The Man stretched out his arm but was only met by a smile from Higashi.

“My mums coming so she will pay.” The man walked to the kitchen not even giving it a thought. Higashi’s smile completely vanished as the man walked away.



Higashi sipped on some water as he waited on the seat. The man had disappeared and not been back for a while. He wasn’t even interested in the money. Suddenly there was a ring of a bell. A young girl walked through the door with a man behind her. The man was wearing a hood and his face was barely visible. He looked up at Higashi and then mumbled something Higashi couldn’t hear. The two sat opposite him. The girl smile seemed to light up the room. Higashi studied the man opposite the girl. He was just taller than him and was more muscular. The man wore a long jacket that covered to porches at his side probably filled with kunai. Higashi was just about to move when the girl stood up and walked towards him. Higashi stopped to look at her with a cold stare but she still sat next to him.

“Hey” She said in a warm soft voice.

“can you go away please.” Higashi said walking away. Higashi’s path was quickly blocked by the man. He took off his hood to reveal spiky red hair and light brown eyes. Higashi took a quick glance at the two people surrounding him.

“ I will give you one more chance.”

2
Naruto Fanworks / Re: Story
« on: January 07, 2015, 17:11:46 »
This review was requested by Itzal.

Starting off, there are grammatical errors littered throughout your story.
‘quite’ is misused, I believe you are trying to say ‘quiet’.
The plural of kunai is kunai.
Try using another descriptive word, other than ‘seeping’. Pouring, dripping, etc.
There is a difference in the words ‘threw’ and ‘through’
Incorrect use of apostrophes.
Plural of life is lives.
These are a few of them.

However, there is nice detail in the story. The plot seems fine, but the little brother character could be taking a step towards becoming Sasuke, which you should refrain from.

 
Higashi easily dogging.
This sentence is wrong for two reasons. First, it’s a fragment. These words don’t form a whole sentence when put together. Second, you spelled dodging wrong.
Correction: Higashi dodged easily. This is just one example.

Overall, it’s a fine story, but there are tons of grammatical errors. If you aren’t sure about something, google it or ask someone else.

Keep writing.
Thanks for the review America i will try to improve my writing for my next Chapter.

3
Shinobi Life Online Organizations / Re: Yuki Jinga
« on: January 06, 2015, 18:53:17 »
Name: Higashi
Nickname (if you have one): N/A
Gender: Male
What you are applying for: Heiwa Kīpā
Why you think that suits you: I am a good team player
Ninja Rank(If possible): N/A
Chakra Nature(s): Lightning/fire
Kekkei Genkai or Chakra Mix: N/A
Village you will start from: Hidden inferno
Specialization(Genjutsu, Kenjutsu, etc.): Ninjutsu
Accepted, Who's Heiwa would you like to be?
He wants to be with Mars. 

4
Naruto Fanworks / Re: America's Corner
« on: January 04, 2015, 00:04:02 »
My stroy is about a young kid and his dark path of revenge.
Theres not much but it is well detailed.

http://www.shinobilifeonline.com/index.php/topic,1086.0.html


5
Naruto Fanworks / Re: Story
« on: January 03, 2015, 22:13:51 »
Thx i will  :D

6
Naruto Fanworks / Re: Story
« on: January 03, 2015, 21:59:11 »
Heres part 1 of Chapter 1 hope its not to long :). Also sorry Konohuro didn't use your name.
Chapter 1 part 1:

The sun beamed bright into Higashi’s face. He shuffled and slowly opened his eyes. He then slid of the branch he was lying on and fell to the stone path. Higashi had been sleeping  in the woods  for a long time and new the paths like the back of  his hand. The soil around the park was  soft and was almost not walk able  when wet. This made it easier for Higashi  to make traps any time  someone attacked him, which happened a lot. Higashi strolled on the stone path his mind blank as always. Today was his birthday and so today was the day he went back to where he had his 7th birthday. The night of his father and brothers death. He tightened his jaw as he thought of that night 10 years ago. One day he would find that man and on that day he would rip the man apart. Higashi continued to stroll until a drop of a leaf in his path made him stop. He looked up. Nothing.

Higashi had to walk up a steep mountain before he could reach the entrance which was half way up. Higashi could tell where it was as it had one random tree and the path was wide at that point. Higashi arrived to the scene to see  the entrance open. It was never open. Higashi turned to see a face only ten steps away.
 “Big, probably earth and will probably try to out fight with taijustsu. If I keep him far away. ”Higashi mumbled out loud then smiled as the man stepped closer. “You are going to die by dropping off the cliff!” Higashi shouted no emotion in his eyes. Just death. The man laughed.

“Oh really” The man charged at him but Higashi jumped over him towards the edge of the mountain  on which they were on. The man then threw two  kunais towards him. Higashi easily dogging.

“Your playing with me.” Higashi grimaced as he charged towards him. The man laughed before thrusting his fist towards Higashi. Higashi had stopped just out of the range of the punch. He then grabbed his wrist and twisted. The man screamed. He had not expected this .His eyes widened in anger. His once smiling face was gone. He stepped back holding his wrist then swung his leg at amazing pace. Higashi only had enough time to put up his  arms in defence before he was hit. Higashi flew in mid-air . He had been cocky and now instead of his enemy he was about to fall of f the cliff . Was this it?

7
Naruto Fanworks / Re: Fanfic
« on: January 03, 2015, 19:15:50 »
Its really good maybe you could put more descriptoin in it but thats just me. Keep writing! :)

8
Naruto Fanworks / Re: A New Fanfic- Need Reviews
« on: January 03, 2015, 19:06:55 »
Nice keep up the good work. ;)

9
Naruto Fanworks / Re: Story
« on: January 03, 2015, 17:50:26 »
thx for the reviews so heres the second part of the prologue :)
prologue part 2:

The figure continued to walk through the small village. The village was created for rouges who wanted to live peaceful hidden life's. It was a small village inside a cave and hardly anyone new of its existence until now. There was a sudden tapping of small footsteps behind him.

“YOU WANT ESCAPE!” a kid shouted his voice nearly a squeak. The kid readied the kunai in his hand. The figure turned to face the boys tearful face.

“I have slaughtered grown men and women, probably your father but you think you can do something.?” The mans voice was deep and his words hurt the kids heart. The boy wiped his tears. He looked at him hate in his eyes. He could remember his fathers words distant in his brain.

“Live, run whatever you do live and know that I am proud of you two.”
 The kid stood and then with all the muscles in his body ran towards the man at as fast as he could. He through the kunai with all his strength. The kunai zipped through the air but the man was fast. He jumped up onto a roof next him in almost a lazy fashion. When he looked to see the kid, he had ran past and was heading for the cave entrance. The boys legs started to hurt but he still ran ignoring it.

“I have to live!” he shouted and then dropped. He hadn’t made it  was over. A kunai through his body. The figure walked up to him. A smile on his face.

 However he had not realised that the  boy was a distraction. His little brother had made an escape. When he was busy talking to the child his little brother ran past him and went through the exit. The little brother had escaped but with more hatred than anyone and with a dark path.

10
Naruto Fanworks / Re: Story
« on: January 03, 2015, 16:36:22 »
prologue
It was dark and cold. The night staring over the quite village. The soil was wet with rain and blood. Kunais spread all over to show the murdering that had painted the battlefield. Dark figures laid everywhere seeping with a red fluid. Suddenly, a shadow strolled towards a wooden door kicking it down as he walked through.
“Please don’t, I wont tell anyone.” The man stuttered, backing towards the wall. His knees trembling before, SMACK!!! He dropped to the floor sweat seeping down his head. The shadow taking a step forward every time the man shuffled back. “Please I only...” The shadow drew his katana and flew towards him. The sword piercing threw the air before connecting with its target. The man was quite. The figure then gripped the hilt and then heaved his katana up raising it to let the man drop. Before there was air between them now only blood splatter and the weapon that caused it.

11
Naruto Fanworks / Story
« on: January 03, 2015, 16:34:17 »
Everyone started writing thier own fanfic so i thought why not post something i wrote before.Tell me what you think. Its just one part of the prologue. Hope you like it.

12
Shinobi Life Online Suggestions / Re: Jutsu Creation Topic
« on: January 03, 2015, 16:01:16 »
Jutsu Name: Lightning paralysis
Jutsu Type:Ninjutsu
Jutsu Description:The user shoots out lightning strings that wraps the target or targets. The maximum targets that can be wraped are 3.
Jutsu Level:Intermediate
Chakra Nature:lightning style
Jutsu Range:Large
Effects if hit:it paralyzes the target where it stands.If only one target that person is paralyzed for 5 sec however if multiple targets it is 3 sec.The user also takes a bit of damage if jutsu is mastered.

14
Naruto Fanworks / Re: A New Fanfic- Need Reviews
« on: January 02, 2015, 23:16:44 »
Yh I think it's great.  ;)

15
Shinobi Life Online Organizations / Re: Katakiuchi
« on: November 24, 2014, 23:11:15 »
I was wondering who would recruit members for the Katakiuchi and who would give out missions? Would it be the Yugures or Umbras? If so wouldn't it be hard for them to keep track? So I thought maybe you should have special positions for those jobs.Just a thought.

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