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Author Topic: Chapter 12 - Awakening  (Read 5233 times)

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Offline Fraudulent

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Chapter 12 - Awakening
« on: June 24, 2017, 16:15:28 »
The scorching desert sands made their way between the travellers’ dry toes, under their feet and back out from the rear of the sandal as Nibui and the team strolled through the uncanny location.

“I see a village over there!” everyone was startled into full awareness as Nibui pointed towards his discovery.

“It looks empty and… dead – I wonder where everyone is” the red-haired girl questioned as her eyebrows portrayed her confusion.

“I don’t know, but this heat is really getting to me” Nibui whined from the front as he began clawing at his back; something did not feel right.

I’m pretty sure I cleaned myself before we left, why am I getting this strange itch?

The old man of the pack subtly cleared his throat and enlightened the team as he adjusted the rags around his head and body.

“There was a massacre here around ten years ago, or at-least that was the rumour that somehow made its way to me during my training period”

“A massacre ten years ago? – Then why does it lead to Kimoto now?” One of the men from the pursuit squad spoke up from behind, his question was equally as significant to the others as it was to him.

“God knows…”
Vizier’s low tone of reply sent chills down each spine around him, even in the burning heat of North Eastern Hokorigakure.
Everyone was shaken on the inside as they glanced at each other with concern.

The team was silent for the rest of their journey to the village, even the loudmouthed Nibui kept low and alert, which was a huge surprise to everyone, especially Vizier.

Anticipation grew on everyone with each step in the sand, the reunion with Kimoto was something long awaited.

The sensation on Nibui’s back bloomed further, and he couldn’t quite understand what was happening. It thumped harder and harder, sending unknown signals to his brain – this made him alert; he felt a great force getting closer and closer as they strolled towards the entrance of the village.

Why can I feel such an immeasurable force coming towards me?

“What’s wrong with you…?” Vizier narrowed his eyebrows at the irritated Nibui who was still clawing from behind.

“I don’t even know, it just feels weird”

“We’re going to find Kimoto now, so stop being retarded” Vizier commanded as he shook his head with disappointment.
Nibui sharpened his eyes and glared at his elder before kissing his teeth.

“Idiot…” he mumbled quietly.

Vizier was far from a positive mood.

“Say that one more time and I’m gonna’ slap –“ he was interrupted by the pursuit squad leader, Rozu.

“Alright folks, we’ve arrived.”
“Welcome to the village of Mamonaku.” Her adventurous voice eliminated any negativity, or concentration for that matter, and had everyone shifting their heads as they began exploring the abandoned settlement.

The long horizon and stretched distance was filled with the same architecture – short buildings made of sandstone. Torn and ragged pieces of cloth were dust-infested and slapped against the edges of households, others could be found on rooftops and some were strewn across the desert sands.

One thing that stood out was a larger structure at the centre of the ruins; a Chinese themed design, a shaolin temple.

“There is no sign of life here” a group of shinobi from the pursuit squad reported in after the hounds had searched the east bound.

“I suppose the only reasonable answer would be that Kimoto is held hostage in the temple” Vizier exclaimed as he withdrew a kunai from his tool pack.



“It’s best that I keep this clean” Dara swung his suit off and carelessly tossed it aside upon a pile of bones; they had been stored over the years and had begun to form pyramid-like shapes in the temple, around the large, golden Buddha statue.

Everything on the inside was dead and idle.
The flickering of candle flame faintly illuminated Dara; every muscle on his torso glistened with pride as he tensed, followed by sudden relaxation as he exhaled through his nose.
“I can feel his energy, his presence, and the urge for revenge”
“It is a shame that such motives are emotionally driven”

Dara crafted a taunting smirk to the thought of his unwelcomed guests, and proceeded to watch as the temple gates got blown off – splinters and planks of wood soared through the room before colliding with the ground.
The entrance was blocked off by a crowd of eight shinobi. Six from the pursuit squad with Nibui and Vizier beside them.

Shock engulfed the visitors as Nibui collapsed to the ground in agony.

“Nibui!” a squeal of unison broke out to the sight of the scrabbling boy.

The anguishing screams grew distorted as he clawed at the ground beneath him in an attempt to ascend to knee level.

Vizier reached for Nibui’s back, only to be warded off by intense heat.

“Argh!” he cried out

The centre of his posterior began tarnishing, slowly tearing away fibres from his black shirt.

Nibui sprawled out on the floor one final time as the digits “0005” burned through to the surface, his shirt now had a gaping hole from behind, where it made way for his marking.

“What the… fuck?” Vizier was gone for words to the peculiar sight, the crew portrayed faces of confusion alike.























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Offline StriderOtaku

Re: Chapter 12 - Awakening
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2017, 20:28:41 »
In the least biased way possible; this was by far your best work @Snoopy in terms of content and the style in which it was written. It was way easier to picture what you were writing and the steady pace building up for the intense fight...
I know I always like your stories but honest to God, you keep getting better and this chapter shows that when you actually feel like writing, it leads to some good shii.

Next chapter please
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Offline Toratsume Nyshn

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Re: Chapter 12 - Awakening
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2017, 04:36:42 »
Basically a set up for the upcoming battle.
Layout was good.. liked the detailed description of the way sand seeps through open sandals in the beginning.

The climax was pretty intense.. would like to see how you write the fighting part.

Only thing that confuses me is this part.
The old man of the pack subtly cleared his throat and enlightened the team as he adjusted the rags around his head and body.

“There was a massacre here around ten years ago, or at-least that was the rumour that somehow made its way to me during my training period”
I'm guessing the old man is Vizier... and the massacre happened 10 years ago.
So technically, either the old man isn't that old (since he was still training when the rumors spread) or it happened a really long time ago when the old man used to be a trainee.

Waiting for the battle to unravel :)




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Re: Chapter 12 - Awakening
« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2017, 10:26:46 »
In the least biased way possible; this was by far your best work @Snoopy in terms of content and the style in which it was written. It was way easier to picture what you were writing and the steady pace building up for the intense fight...
I know I always like your stories but honest to God, you keep getting better and this chapter shows that when you actually feel like writing, it leads to some good shii.

Next chapter please
Thank you <3, I honestly didn't think this was the best chapter, but for sure I noticed a difference in my style of writing here. Next chapter coming soon :)

Basically a set up for the upcoming battle.
Layout was good.. liked the detailed description of the way sand seeps through open sandals in the beginning.

The climax was pretty intense.. would like to see how you write the fighting part.

Only thing that confuses me is this part.
The old man of the pack subtly cleared his throat and enlightened the team as he adjusted the rags around his head and body.

“There was a massacre here around ten years ago, or at-least that was the rumour that somehow made its way to me during my training period”
I'm guessing the old man is Vizier... and the massacre happened 10 years ago.
So technically, either the old man isn't that old (since he was still training when the rumors spread) or it happened a really long time ago when the old man used to be a trainee.

Waiting for the battle to unravel :)
Thank you! I'm not sure if you've noticed, but a few chapters back I made a notice saying how I don't follow the Narutoverse logic fully; I have used it as a base and then branched out into my own fantasy world. Vizier is 40 now and he was training to become *censored* 10 years ago when he was 30.
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Offline taigakun

Re: Chapter 12 - Awakening
« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2017, 10:59:19 »
Goddamn that ending tho.
Really enjoyed this one snoop, looking forward to the next.


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Re: Chapter 12 - Awakening
« Reply #5 on: June 26, 2017, 00:06:42 »
Goddamn that ending tho.
Really enjoyed this one snoop, looking forward to the next.
Thank you :)
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Offline Suroshi

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Re: Chapter 12 - Awakening
« Reply #6 on: June 26, 2017, 04:47:38 »
Well I've never read any of your other chapters but this surely was interesting to read. I enjoyed it thank you.
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Re: Chapter 12 - Awakening
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2017, 11:22:32 »
Well I've never read any of your other chapters but this surely was interesting to read. I enjoyed it thank you.
Thank you for reading, you should check out my previous chapters, and follow on to the future ones :)
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Offline IbrahimRafi

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Re: Chapter 12 - Awakening
« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2017, 20:38:50 »
gud story kobe
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