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Author Topic: The sin of Pride  (Read 2211 times)

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Offline m4r1us

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The sin of Pride
« on: January 18, 2015, 13:04:22 »
Chapter 1



The cloaked boy slowly strolled through the street full of merchants, not bothering to look right of left, knowing that the chances to find the person he was supposed to, in such a densely populated area were, to say the least, slim. His eyes seemed somewhat lifeless, his face giving away a feel of routine and boredom. The mission itself was simple: a 3 genin squad and their jonin instructor have been found dead next to a village in the close proximity of the Hidden Inferno. The intelligence on the culprit was vague, but there was no need for it. All the suspicions fell onto an old man, ex-Kage candidate who left the village few months prior to the incident after a dispute with the higher echelon of the village. The prospect of having to kill a man skilled enough to be considered for the Kage position was not worrying the boy at all. He was not scared, nor was he excited at the thought of having to kill the man. He had always hated murder, but he always had to for what their Kage claimed to be the well being of the village. Perhaps that was the thing that brought about his change of behavior, having to carry on with so many missions at such a young age was pretty stressful after all. It was no wonder that he’s became so distant and cold nowadays.


As he kept on steadily walking across the long street, it started heavily raining. The street that was full with people just moment ago was now empty, everyone running inside for shelter. "Hmpf, if this were Hidden Thunder they most probably wouldn’t have even noticed" the boy thought. Here on the other hand, nobody was prepared. And it was just naturally for it to be so. It was rather rare for it to rain during days close to the Hidden Inferno. The village and environment around it was known for having extremely hot days and stormy, full of lightning, nights. Because he didn’t want to catch a cold, he decided to get some shelter too until the rain would stop, or at the very least slow down. So he entered a coffee shop that was almost empty and ordered a cup of black coffee. He often used this practice to gather info before. He’d just enter a coffee shop and listen to some customers’ gossip that could hopefully aid him in advancing with his mission. If not, well, he’d at least have a nice cup of coffee. It wasn’t long until a man entered the shop. It was a middle aged man, few distinctive features that could set him apart. He had the air of a sick person, and even though he was trying his best to act normal he was trembling almost unnoticeably. He has spilled his order by mistake as soon as the girl brought it. ‘Just what’s wrong with this guy?’ the boy thought to himself. But observing him further was quickly made impossible. He suddenly had his hood pulled off. This was no good, if any shinobi, or no, any person in that shop had any knowledge of Hidden Inferno clans, his white hair would give him away. He turned his head and saw a girl who walked on and sat down at the table on the chair opposed to him.

‘Hey there!’ she said in a cheerful voice.

She was met with silence and a despising, yet at the same time confused, look. He took a better look at her: she was a young girl, around 15-16, blonde and green eyes. Her behavior was giving away her energic and impatient behavior. She was now staring right at him and after a while she was the one to break the silence again:

‘Aw, come on, don’t be like that now. I’m really sorry for my rudeness but I don’t like talking to people whose faces I can’t see’

‘You should not like talking to people whose faces you don’t know. Is there anything you need?’ he replied monotonously

‘It’s such a boring day, and now it’s raining as well. I figured I’d find someone to talk to. My name is Haru, nice to meet you’ she said smiling

‘There are other people in here, aren’t there?’

‘Well yes but I already know all of them. I come here every day after all’ she  said, not losing even a tad bit of her cheerfulness, in spite of the rather rude answers she was receiving

‘All of them, huh?’ he said, trying not to give away the fact that he wanted to know more about a specific customer.

‘That is right. Well, anyways, it’s impolite not to give your name to someone who gave you his. So what is it?’

She was a true nuisance, but she could be of help:

‘It’s Hao’ he said sipping his coffee.

‘Nice to meet you’

‘You already said that’ he replied bluntly

‘Yeah, but I was hoping you’d said it too haha. Anyways, what brings you around here?’
She did not seem to be bothered by any of his remarks.

‘I’m just here for merchandise.’

‘I see. What are you buying?’

‘It doesn’t matter. What do you do for a living?’ it was his turn to ask questions.

‘Oh, I am helping at the local hospital. I’m learning to become a doctor’ she said in an excited tone.

‘So is that why you know so many people? Or is it just you often bothering people in this shop?’ he replied, not bothering to be considerate.

‘Well, yes. See that man who spilled his coffee earlier? His name is Kenta. He used to pass by the hospital every day. He is kind of always sick, even now. But I bet you already noticed that’ she explained

‘Yes, I did. But what do you mean ‘used to’?’ Hao said.

‘Well, how to put this? Lately he has been acting strangely. He’s neglecting his treatment, and some said they’ve seen him taking walks at night in the woods. I wonder if he’s becoming mental.’ Haru said in a more toned down voice than before. She clearly did not want to be heard.

‘I see’ he replied, vaguely intrigued. ‘Well then, I’ll get going, I still have to find a place to stay for the night. See you.’

‘Bye’ Haru replied in the same bright tone as before.


Hao headed for the counter, paid for the coffee and then left the shop. He then proceeded to look for a place to sleep overnight. The rain had stopped, and the village, although small, was looking quite beautiful at night. The streets were empty, silence enveloping the night. The full moon shining in the distance made everything even more magnificent. It was a relaxing view, something that you don’t often get in the Hidden Inferno. The streets are always full, and it’s always awfully noisy. Hao found a small inn and sleeping there overnight.



Alright, I was bored so I said why not? Tell me what do you think. Also, please point out any grammar related mistakes you can find. I tend to do many of them when I write long texts.

' ' = dialogue
" " = monologue


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Offline Mars

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Re: The sin of Pride
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2015, 15:09:54 »
When I saw this I thought it said "The Son of Pride"  I thought it would be a kinky fanfic about m4 getting laid oops.

But this is really nice! Well done:)
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Offline json243

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Re: The sin of Pride
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2015, 17:07:45 »
Great story m4! I really enjoyed it
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Offline m4r1us

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Re: The sin of Pride
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2015, 21:11:25 »
Chapter 2



The morning came by quickly, and Hao did not get any sleep. He had many jobs in the village before becoming a jonin. At the time he was chunin he took a job as a village night guard so that he could earn some more money. To keep himself awake through the long nights he started taking caffeine pills. Three years later, this past treatment was still heavily affecting him. He’d rarely get any sleep during the night, and even when he did, it was only for a few hours. The actual reason he wanted to stay at the inn during the night was because he needed time to think. What usually was a burden to him was turning into a benefit when he needed time to think. He always thought his mind is clearer during the night for some strange reason. And this time wasn’t different either. The man, Kenta, had a weird air around him. Hao could of course just follow him during one of his night walks in the wood and rush in. But was that really the best course of action? If the place Kenta was visiting had no correlation with his mission, or even worse, if the man was actually mental it would only worsen the things and make his mission even harder. Having people find out about his presence was out of discussion. Gossip would quickly start flying around and that would only alert his target. Then what was he supposed to do? In the very next moment, his mind flew to Haru, the girl who he’s just met at the coffee shop. “Maybe I could have her follow him. If the guy is actually there he most probably has his guard raised against shinobi. Civilians however, are a whole other thing.” But there was a big issue: How would he protect the girl, were he to go with this strategy? There was also the possibility that he was already discovered. If even one of the persons in the shop recognized the distinctive white hair of the Kirishima clan his cover has already been blown. On top of all that the culprit was surely already on his guard. He did kill 4 ninja belonging to a village after all, there was no way he was stupid enough to believe they wouldn’t send anyone to look into the matter. After a long night during which he considered all possible options, Hao decided he’d ask Haru to help him.


He went to the same coffee shop from yesterday and ordered the same cup of black coffee. There was nobody else, other than him and the girl who was working there, in the shop. It was half an hour later when Haru finally entered the shop. Upon sight, she went to sit at the same table with her new acquaintance.

‘Hey Hao. How have you been? How is merchandise going?’ she said in the same enthusiastic tone as ever.

‘Pretty well I guess’ he replied as an answer for both questions ‘Actually, I’ve been waiting for you. There is a favor I’d like to ask from you’

‘A favor? Well, sure, go ahead’

‘You know I told you I was here for merchandising?’

‘Yeah, what of it?’ she said, not understanding what this had to do with the favor he wanted to ask from her

‘Well, the truth is’ he looked at the girl who was working to make sure she was not listening ‘I am here on a mission. I am a shinobi of the Hidden Inferno’ upon saying this he pulled out his forehead protector from beneath his cloak to prove that what he was saying was true

‘I am here because a few weeks ago 4 of our shinobi died close to the village. We believe the murderer may still be around’ he continued
Upon hearing this the girl started panicking.

‘What does this have to do with me? Do you think I am involved in any way? I could never…’ Haru said obviously agitated

‘Calm down’ Hao said in a calm manner, sipping from his cup of coffee ‘We already have a pretty strong suspicion about who the murderer may be. Although I do not think you are involved with the killings, I do think that you know someone who does.’

‘Kenta, huh?’

‘Exactly, his behavior patterns and his strange routines lately strongly indicate that he might be… How to put this? Somehow related to the killer’

‘I see. So you want me to tell you more about him?’ she asked

‘That is not right. You said he was taking random walks at night in the woods, is that correct?’
She simply nodded.

‘Well, I would like you to follow him and find out exactly what he is doing there. I can’t do it because if I am wrong it will simply blow my cover, and if I am right, well, the guy he is meeting is definitely more cautious about other ninja rather than civilians, that’s for sure. I must also say this now: this is a very dangerous task. I can promise you I will do my best to keep you safe, however, I can’t promise I will succeed. By accepting, you agree to …’he continued

‘I will do it.’ she interrupted.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes. I always wanted to save lives, hence why I want to become a medic. If this helps prevent any further killings, then I will risk my life for it’

‘Very well then. It will all happen tonight. You follow Kenta and try to go unnoticed as much as possible. I will be following both of you from a distance I can’t be detected. I have a plan on how I can keep my eyes on you even from far away. Of course, that doesn’t mean I’ll get to you instantaneously, so you will still have to be careful.’ he detailed ‘Shall we go then? I’ll explain the rest outside.’

‘Alright. So it all happens tonight? What if he doesn’t go there tonight?’ she asked with a surprised look on his face. Although she did her best to hide her emotions, worry and fear started surfacing soon. But she was determined to help the white haired boy to carry out punishment on what she perceived as evil.

‘If he doesn’t go then we’ll have to try again tomorrow.’


They both left to prepare. One of them had to prepare the small details like the weaponry he’d take, whereas the other had to prepare mentally for what could be her last day. In the worst possible scenario, Haru would come face to face with death in only a few hours. That was a thought that could bring even the strongest of the shinobi down. But the girl was brave. In spite of her admitted fear, she was not hesitating. She was going to do a noble thing for good. Besides, she trusted the newly met guy. She resolved not to let her fear interfere with her judgment any longer. And if worst was going to come to worst, she’d put all her faith in Hao.


A few hours later, almost at midnight, the two met in front of the village gate. They’d wait hidden in a place close to the main road, point from which they could see every person entering and exiting. Waiting proved to strengthen the girl’s doubts even further. At this point, she wanted to just leave and cancel the operation. But at the same time she was aware that there was no turning back now. She took a quick glance at the boy standing to her left. He was paying undivided attention to the road. His eyes were so focused that they made her uneasy. It did not seem as if he was worrying about her at all. What was even worse was the fact that he did not seem to care about his actual mission either. The only thing he seemed to care was to get this done with as soon as possible. “He’s… different from before” she remarked. Sure, he never came across as a warm, carrying person, but it was for the first time she realized who she was working with at that very moment: a killer who’d probably ended more lives than she could imagine. Sure, a killer on her side, but a killer nonetheless. Was he genuinely going to save her, would it come to it? Or was he just using her to lure out his target?


This string of questions was suddenly brought to an end by a warning from Hao:

‘There he is’ he said, pointing out to a silhouette in the distance.

As the silhouette approached, his face became clear. Haru recognized it right away, it was Kenta. Her inner prayers were to no avail after all. The man was taking his unusual night walk after all. When the man got a little ahead, yet he was still in the line of sight, Hao signaled her to go. She desperately wanted to stay where she was, she did not want to go. But it felt as if her legs started moving on their own. Soon she shortened the distance between herself and Kenta. He was walking rather fast so she had to as well. The only reason she did not lose him was because he was carrying a torch to help him see in the darkness of the night. Haru was using it as a guidance point. She obviously could not use the main road so she had to hide behind trees and such. Her footsteps were barely audible. They kept on walking at the same pace until at some point Kenta suddenly stopped. Haru was now worried. What if he discovered her presence? However, the fact that the man did not encountered anyone so far had lessened her fear. If he actually did discover her, she’d just explain it. Right when she was preparing to get out of her hiding spot to apologize to the man following him all the way out here, another man appeared in front of Kenta. This newcomer had a fiend-like aspect, especially in the dim light of Kenta’s thorch: he was around 55-60, short of stature, having long brown to white hair. From what she could tell he was wearing a cloak like the one Hao had. What was distinctive about his appearance was his scarred face: he definitely had more scars on his face than hairs on his head. To say it in a few words: the description Hao provided her with and the appearance of the man matched perfectly. She froze in fear, a shiver running down her spine. If he would find out about her presence she was as good as dead. Then the two started talking:

‘Did you bring it?’ the latecomer said to Kenta

‘Yes, just as usual Tadao. You may need to find yourself somebody else to supply you with food. Villagers already think I’m crazy for taking walks around here at night. And all this leaves me without money for medication.’ Kenta replied.

‘Be silent. You’ll provide me with food for as long as I wish’ Tadao said in a decisive tone that left no room for further arguments. ‘Did they send anyone yet?’ he asked, obviously curious to see how will Hidden Inferno respond to his actions.

‘Nobody from what I know. But then again, even if they did I most probably didn’t realize it’ the younger man explained. ‘Why did you kill them anyways? It’s not like they were posing any threat to someone like you.’

‘I don’t care about that. The village sent them to kill me and they accepted like some obedient puppies. They most probably were unaware even about why I left the village. That is exactly why I wanted to become a Kage in my youth. I thought I could change this twisted system all the villages are engaged in. I’ve been pushed away just like that. In spite of all the wrongdoings I witnessed during my years as a shinobi dog, I remained within the village because I hoped someone would come and bring about a change. But I could put up with those higher ups pigs no more. At least in my final years I’m going to live freely. Those four were actually sent to assassinate me, not because I did anything wrong, they sent them because I carry intel on Inferno’s inner affairs. ’ he explained in an slightly enraged voice.

‘How come they sent such low rank ninja to find you though?’

‘Inferno’s not seeing its best days. Their military power is at its lowest in years. That’s why they want so desperately to get rid of me. If even one bit of the intel I possess about the village were to leak, it could be the end of the Hidden Inferno. They tried to use quantity instead of quality. Risking to lose one of their stronger soldiers at this point is not an option for them. However, I’m positive they won’t make the same mistake twice. The next time, they’ll send someone it will be someone exceptional, someone who can get rid of me. So stay on your guard and notice me if anyone even remotely suspicious appears in the village. ’

‘Understood. I’ll get going now.’ Kenta said.

‘One more thing, Kenta. Are you sure you saw nobody suspicious lately? ’ Tadao said in what Haru, who managed to crawl in a bush and was waiting there for the two men to leave, interpreted as a threatening tone.

‘Yes, I’m positive there was not a single person who attracted my attention.’ Kenta replied intimidated by the old man’s words.

‘Well then…’ he said pulling out a kunai from beneath his cloak ‘I guess I’ll just ask her then.’

He threw the kunai, aiming at the bush Haru was using as a cover. Almost as quickly, Haru took something from one of her pockets. She threw it as far as she could, while saying the words ‘Hurry up please!’, tears starting to roll down her cheeks.



Once again, please excuse grammatical errors as much as possible. Feel free to point them out, I'll fix as many as possible.
Warning: Beware of the BBB!


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Offline Konohuro

Re: The sin of Pride
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2015, 15:36:56 »
I liked it. Good job.


Offline Mythik

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Re: The sin of Pride
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2015, 03:26:37 »
Really enjoyed these, keep up the good work.  :D
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Offline Kai

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Re: The sin of Pride
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2015, 06:51:06 »
Great story m4! Can't wait for the next one.

Offline json243

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Re: The sin of Pride
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2015, 17:03:58 »
This is really good m4! Keep it up
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Offline Mars

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Re: The sin of Pride
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2015, 18:45:57 »
Really like the new chapter, well written and a genuine good job!
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